Almost every morning without fail, Daisy flies into a panic before school because she doesn't want to be late. She adores her teacher and disappointing her by being late would devastate Daisy. She seems to have inherited my people pleasing qualities, and while it's not a terrible thing, it can be difficult to always live in fear of being told off or criticised.
If there's one thing I've learned though, it's that trying to please everyone is the quickest way to fail - it just can't be done. Writing publicly, such as keeping a blog, means that no matter how carefully you word things, eventually somebody will take your words in a way they weren't intended. This has been a hard lesson for me, but I'm pretty much getting there!
In the past, I've found it difficult to accept criticism, especially if I feel I've been misunderstood. I've left forums, deleted people from Facebook, and even recently deleted my entire Facebook account when my words were taken wrongly and I was pretty much lynched for it. I think though, if you want to share your views, and you're brave enough to do it online, you have to be prepared to be criticised and disagreed with.
The one thing I have been very hurt by online though, is the accusation of being "smug". On Facebook especially, I've always been extremely positive and sparkly, but I never for one second believed that anyone would think I was being smug.
One day, however, not terribly long ago, I had put up a generic positive FB post about friendship, and had a massive backlash from a friend who was having a hard time. I was accused of being insensitive to other people's pain, up my own arse, full of myself, and one person (who had never met me before) replied saying that I had clearly lived a sheltered, privileged life, and had didn't know what it was like to have problems!
I'll be honest, that hurt. I was shocked, I was very very upset and the more people who jumped on this bandwagon and threw insults around, the more devastated I became, and the more I almost let myself believe that they were right. After all, it wasn't the first time I had been criticised for rubbing my happiness in people's faces or asked to consider that not everyone is as happy as I am before posting things.
It made me think back to the end of 2011, a time when I thought I might never be truly happy again. I'd faced many difficult times before, including my beloved brother's tragic sudden death just 3 days after my 18th birthday, my dear dad's death, a seemingly insurmountable debt crisis and the eventual breakdown of a long and unhappy marriage. This, however, threatened to break me completely.
I'd been single for several months and was working full time nights in a house for disabled people. The work was lonely, I was there alone for every shift, most of which were at weekends. The kids stayed with their dad at weekends and I often found myself alone for days at a time, a huge difference from a few months before.
One night, during a shift, I found that my wrist was very sore and my hand didn't have much power. I was determined to not phone anyone and just keep working, as I'd just returned to work after being off with a flu virus. By the end of the shift, I could barely use either of my hands, and both wrists were agony. I couldn't even drive, and had to take a taxi to A&E, where I had an x-ray. They concluded that there was nothing to be found and I must have just sprained myself. However, within two days, I couldn't even get out of bed. Every joint, from my neck to my ankles, had completely seized up.
The local GP took several blood tests, and it was discovered that both my liver function and rheumatoid levels were completely out of sync. I was diagnosed with suspected Rheumatoid Arthtitis, and my entire life changed in a heartbeat. I had to give up my job and was suddenly unable to do the things I'd normally taken for granted, like getting myself dressed in the morning and driving my kids to school.
Suddenly, life looked very bleak indeed. The kids struggled to understand that I just wasn't able to do things with them, they found it hard that I had no money to take them places, and I panicked that I might not even be able to give them a christmas. I had bills to pay, a debt looming over me, and no income.
I wondered if I might ever be able to work again, and as for my personal life, I was incredibly sad. Would I be alone for the rest of my life? Would anyone want to be with a skint, unemployed, disabled single mum?
Still, when I look back to my Facebook posts at the time, I somehow managed to be chirpy. I didn't complain, I posted about silly jokes the kids had told, enjoying a delicious dinner, discovering a brilliant new song on the radio, anything I could find to be grateful for. I never posted about the fact that I cried myself to sleep every night.
As the months went by, I started to feel better. I became more mobile and although I believed it was possibly the calm before the storm, I was happy for any day that was pain free. I was shocked when I went for a routine check at the hospital and was told my rheumatoid levels had returned to normal. It transpired that I'd had a particularly bad virus, a strain of glandular fever, that had affected my joints and sent my bloods out of whack. I couldn't have been happier to discover that I didn't have this lifelong disability at all, and I was going to be fine!
To cut a very (very!) long story short, I wasted no time in getting a job as a chef (which I'd always wanted to do but been too scared in the past), saving hard, paying off my debt and giving sincere thanks every single day for my health, my family, and most importantly, my future.
Gratitude is a habit for me now. It always was, but even more so now. These are just a tiny few of the things I've been grateful for in the past year...
Family
Peace
Sunny days
Beautiful evenings
The best wedding ever
I'm not richer than anyone, better looking than anyone, or luckier than anyone. I just wake up every day, look around me and give sincere thanks for all the blessings in my life. I'm not smug, and certainly not insensitive to anyone else's pain. I'm just extremely grateful, and will never apologise for appreciating every little joy in my life.
A wise friend once said that her motto for dealing with criticism is "It's none of my business what you think of me", and it's good advice. There will always be someone willing to rain on your parade, but not me. I'll be there, waving my rainbow coloured flag and giving thanks for your happiness, as well as my own. We've all had our crosses to bear, but as long as we have something to give thanks for at the end of each day, we can consider ourselves truly blessed.
This is such a well written post! I recently did the 100 happy days project on instagram (100happydays.com) and really got a lot out of it; it helped me to look for and focus on the positives even on dark days. I saw people complaining about it on twitter, saying how self-indulgent and smug and stupid it was, and I got worried that people thought I was showing off. But then I realised that it doesn't matter what they think, I knew it was a good, positive, helpful thing for me and not at all motivated by smugness or a desire to show off, and I hope anyone following me would also see it that way. I love what you've said - no one should ever be made to feel bad about their happiness. Thank you :)
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