Night night, Mama

I, like most others, was rocked to the core this week by the tragic news of Peaches Geldof, who died very suddenly on Monday at the age of just 25.
Her two baby sons are not even two years old yet. Such a tragic loss of a beautiful mother.
I've always liked Peaches. I felt like we had a bit in common - we'd both suffered horrible losses of loved ones, had turbulent years, made silly decisions, gone slightly off the rails, then fallen in love and embraced a settled, family life as our saving grace.
I admired the fact that she was a vocal fan of attachment parenting, something I'm also a fan of, and the way she stood up to the horrible Katie Hopkins when they appeared on This Morning together.
She adored her gorgeous boys, and they adored her right back. She still shared a bed with them every night, and it really was heartbreaking to think of those poor babies going to bed for the first time ever without their beloved Mama.

It struck me that this just highlights something that happens every day. Babies and children all over the world lose their mums every single day, whether due to illness, war, accidents, or any manner of tragedies, and I can't imagine anything worse.

Thoughts like these remind me how precious and unpredictable life is, and make me hug my babies extra tight. 

Mum, Mama, Mummy, Mother. These are the words that define me. They fill my heart and hurt my head. I've had days where I'd happily change my name, because if I heard someone shouting it one more damn time, I might just lose it. But what can you do? When kids need their mum, no-one else will do.
Sometimes the sheer responsibility of motherhood is so overwhelming, it's tempting to run away, but to be honest, none of us would get very far. 
The umbilical cord may be cut at birth, but we are all attatched to our kids by an invisible cord so strong, that when we're separated even for a short time, it's like a physical pain in our hearts.
It doesn't matter how big my kids get, I still feel that attachment. When the older two go to their dad's, even when they disappear into the doors of their school, sometimes it's all I can do not to run after them, hold them close and say "Just stay with me, please".

They drive us nuts, they exhaust us, they take every ounce of our time, money and energy. Sometimes I feel so wrung out by motherhood, I don't know where my kids end and I begin. Who am I, again?
Oh yes, that's right. I'm Mum.
I adore these little people, and sitting here, holding a sleepy Amelie on my knee while she rests her head against my chest, there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. 
Holding one baby, growing another. This is my life, and this is who I am. Like Peaches, I only became "me" when I became a mother.

These babies need me, and I need them every bit as much. To the world, I might be "just a mum", but to these little people, "mum" is the world.
The thought of them going to bed without their mummy in the world brings a gulping, gasping sob into my throat. I can't even imagine it.

To all the mamas who feel worn out, wrung out and exhausted, just remember that you are the absolute universe to your kids. They don't care that you haven't washed your hair in days or that you're permanently in leggings. All they want is to hear your soft heartbeat as they rest their tired little heads on your chest.
To all the babies who will never hear that beautiful sound again, my heart reaches out to you. If I could be a Mama to every one of you, I would.

And to Peaches, rest in peace, beautiful girl. Night night, Mama xxxx