How pregnancies change

First Pregnancy

* You are a delicate flower - everyone and their dog will ask how you're feeling every two seconds, so much that you will want to stab them in the eye and say "I'M FINE!!!!"

* After about 10 weeks, you will start to look a little softer, rounder, and like you've put on a little weight. 

* After about 24 weeks, you'll start to look properly pregnant.

* You will eat super healthy foods, checking compulsively that something is "safe" before it's even allowed in your house.

*You will lift nothing heavier than a cup of (herbal) tea. If anyone catches you lifting anything at all, they will rush to your aid and tell you to sit down and rest. You will find this intensely annoying.

* You will want to show how healthy and strong you are by carrying on as normal right up until the end of your pregnancy. Rest is for the weak!

* You will be determined to have a pain free, drug free, silent birth, preferably in the woods or the ocean, with nothing more than woodland animals by your side, as nature intended.

SECOND PREGNANCY

* People will always stop to coo over your toddler, and occasionally ask how you are. You will find this intensely annoying.

* After having your first baby, you are already softer, rounder and looking a bit fatter than before. Sorry about that.

* After about 10 weeks, you will start to look properly pregnant.

* You will try to eat super healthy foods, but mostly be so hungry, you'll be stealing potato waffles and ketchup off your toddler's plate. Chocolate gets you through the day.

* You lift nothing heavier than your toddler, which is especially fun when they have those "rubber child" tantrums and become a dead weight in the middle of the supermarket. People will say "You shouldn't be lifting, should you?", but that's as far as the help goes.

* You will fall asleep in the middle of "Dora The Explorer", secretly hoping that your toddler will become bilingual with the amount of spanish speaking cartoons they're watching while you snooze.

* You will be determined to have every method of pain relief available to you in labour. In fact, after last time, you wonder if there's any chance they could just knock you out and wake you up when it's over.

THIRD PREGNANCY

* When you announce your pregnancy, people will react as if you've just told them what you're having for dinner, by saying "Oh, that's nice", and changing the subject.

* You will start to look pregnant about 5 minutes after taking the test.

* You will lift nothing heavier than your eldest child's mountain bike, while onlookers simply laugh and say "You must be mental!"
Um, yes.

* You will eat all day long, because there's no time to sit down for an actual meal. Grazing is the future! Crisps, chocolate and fizzy drinks are your friend.

* You will sleep in 5 minute bursts, because the second you sit or lie down at any given time of the day or night, someone will need you for something. Did you know that horses sleep standing up? Why hasn't evolution made this happen for pregnant mothers?

* You will be so busy, you won't even think about labour until you're fully dilated and then think "Oh yeah, I thought I was a bit uncomfy today..."

FOURTH PREGNANCY

* When you annouce your pregnancy, people will react by saying "Really? Did you mean for that to happen?"

* You will have started looking pregnant before you even suspected you might be.

* You will eat leftovers off your kids plates, your husband's plate, and you won't be allowed into restaurants after that embarrassing episode when you walked round Harry Ramsden's stealing chips off small children. Rare steaks, dippy eggs and goats cheese are top of your cravings list.
When someone asks if what you're eating is "safe", you'll say "Who are you, the pregnancy police?"

*You'll lift nothing heavier than the average bodybuilder's free weights, while also carrying your toddler and your older children's schoolbags.

* When people see you with 6 bags of shopping on each arm, they'll laugh and say "I don't envy you much!"

* You'll laugh manically when anyone asks if you're "resting"