Pick your battles

If there's one thing I've learned in my (nearly) 12 years of parenting, it's this:

Everything is a phase.

Everything is temporary.

If everything is going swimmingly with your kids, no issues at all, enjoy it, but don't get too smug, because eventually something will come along to test your resolve.

Similarly, if you're having an issue with your child, don't sweat it too much, because eventually, it will balance itself out and you'll barely remember what all the fuss was about. This too shall pass.

Of course, if you have more than one child, they will team tag you and you can guarantee that at least one of them will be in a tricky phase at any given time, but that's another story for another day...

Before you have kids, or after they've grown and the tricky phases are long since forgotten, it's easy to be idealistic, to demand that kids should meet a certain set of expectations at all times. Of course your kids will always eat their dinner, of course they'll always go to bed on time, of course they'll never have tantrums in supermarkets.....

Yeah, right!

For those of us on the front line, who are bringing our kids up every single day, who are having to make on the spot decisions while juggling a million things at once, sometimes we just have to pick our battles.

I'm not talking about inconsistency. If you have specific principles, you should absolutely stick to them. Having said that, the important thing I've learned is what to be super strict about and what isn't worth the battle.

My kids are good kids. Not perfect kids, but fundamentally good people. They don't swear, they don't hit, they don't fight (bicker, but don't fight), and they know when to stop.

I've learned to pick my battles on the small stuff.

Sleep

With three kids of very different ages, bedtime is important to me. I devote my entire day to them, so from the second they get up, everything I do is for them. Cooking, cleaning, entertaining, ferrying them to and from school, etc. 

9pm is my cut off time. I NEED to stop by then, unless someone is ill or we're out, they know that 9pm is the cut off. 

Having said that, there are very rare occasions when for example, I'll tell Charlie that it's bedtime and he's in the thick of doing something online, such as making something on Minecraft. Now, some might say tough, it's bedtime, pull the plug.

I give 5-10 minutes grace to let him finish what he's doing, because I often put myself in the kids' shoes. How would I feel if I was 5 minutes from finishing a blog post I'd worked hard on, only for someone to come along and pull the plug without even a second thought? Id be devastated! So, I give that small bit of flexibility, and make it clear that he either finishes or saves what he's doing. It's a compromise I'm willing to make, and Charlie respects that, and always finishes and gets to bed with no further arguments.

Is that being too soft? I don't think so.

Another sleep related battle I've had to pick is with Amelie and her naps. She used to take a nap from 9am-10am, but the last few weeks, she's been refusing to sleep, and I've ended up wasting an hour or more trying to settle her, when she clearly has decided for herself that she no longer needs a morning nap.

Am I making a rod for my own back?  I don't think so, I've just learned that things change as children grow, and you have to change with them.

Night time sleep is another constant game-changer in the early years. I know the experts will tell you to pick an approach and stick to it NO MATTER WHAT, but they don't take all the variables into account - teething, night terrors, ear infections, etc. You might just be bloody knackered and taking them into bed is the only way you'll get some sleep that night. Just do whatever feels right. If your baby is screaming blue murder and smiles as soon as you pick them up, I guarantee they're not thinking "There was bugger all wrong with me, my mum's a sucker", they're thinking "I was scared/lonely/hungry and now I'm happy because mum's here. My mum is awesome!"

Food

My kids used to be fussy little monkeys. Seriously, talk about battles - our dining table was a constant battle zone, and I don't even want to think of the crying and tantrums there have been over food and refusal to eat it, and that's just from me!

I've been lucky in the sense that my kids all like salad - especially lettuce and cucumber, so my compromise has been to always, always have a big salad in the middle of the table for them to help themselves. That way, if they don't like what's on the menu that day, they'll get it anyway, but as long as they eat plenty of salad, I'll let them off with only having a tiny amount of actual dinner.

If your kids don't like salad, do they like bread? WOuld it make you happier if they had bread with their dinner, so at least you know they're eating something?

It's not giving in, it's not letting them win. It's acknowledging that they are little people with tastes of their own, and imagine how awful it would be if someone was forcing you to eat something you hated! 

Sweets are another bugbear. The girls aren't bad, but Charlie would live on chocolate if he could, so I do have to often say no to him. Having said that, there are times when I have no choice but to pick my battles. For example, when I've been up all night, I'm up to my elbows in baby poop, helping Daisy with homework, trying to tidy up and deal with a barking dog, and Charlie asks if he can have a Kit Kat. Hmm, I'd probably rather he didn't, but really - will it kill him? No. Will he still eat his dinner? Yes. Have I got enough to deal with without worrying about something as minor as a biscuit? Absolutely. Let him have it, it's not about always having to win or show them who's boss, it's about realising when it's really not worth a fight.

For the most part, if it's too close to teatime, or he's already had enough, I will say no and he will accept it, but he trusts me to be reasonable, and I believe that improves our relationship. It's not that he has me "wrapped round his little finger", but more that he knows I'm flexible and approachable and it's worth a try. If I say yes, brilliant. If I say no, he accepts it.

Backchat

Backchat is something I don't tolerate. My kids know not to be cheeky to me, but sometimes they will question a decision I've made, and while that's not always acceptable, I don't mind the odd question. Long gone are the days when we would blindly do what an adult said just because they were older and we had no choice. Of course, they know not to talk back in a cheeky way, and wouldn't dream of talking back to a teacher, but if they feel that something is unfair, I have no problem with them questioning it.

For example, if they choose something in a restaurant and it's too expensive, I wouldn't just say "No, because I said so", I would explain why I was saying no. They might try to appeal against it, but as long as I'm satisfied that I've given a good enough reason, I will tell them to drop it.

A big issue at the moment is online safety, teaching the kids that they just shouldn't be talking online to strangers, but it's important to explain why. I want the kids to trust us and not just see us as dragons who lay down the law and have no flexibility or explanation.

Am I letting the kids walk all over me by explaining my decisions and rules to them? Should I just say "Because I'm your mum and I say so"? 

I don't think so, but I do make sure they drop it once I've made my decisions clear.

I know there will be far more battles to come - I well remember the days of arguing with a toddler because we're running late and they insist on putting their own shoes on, or they want to wear something totally inappropriate for the weather. I know I still have all this to come, and I will cross those bridges as and when I come to them.

Parenting shouldn't be a battleground. We should be approachable to our kids and understand when to be flexible. As long as our kids follow the basic rules we set, we need to be able to let little things slide occasionally without guilt or fear of judgement from others.

Not everything is worth flipping out over....is it?