I've always been a planner. I'm always happiest when I have a plan of where I need to be, when I need to be there and how long it'll take. So you can imgine how hard I took it when I had kids and realised how effing difficult it can be to make a specific plan and stick to it, without any unforseen disasters.
The thing it, it comes with the territory. Kids get sick, they fall over and hurt themselves, they poop in their nappies, they get hungry, they suddenly decide on the way out of the door that they need to take something - the one thing they can't find, they need to go to the toilet, they forget things, we forget things...and on it goes. Getting anywhere on time, or at all, becomes a near impossible feat, no matter how organised you might try to be.
Sadly, this may cost you some friendships.
Some folks will automatically Get It - I have a wonderful group of mummy friends who are all in the same boat. We make plans to see each other at least 3 times a week - but someone's kid will get ill, their mum will drop by unexpectedly, their car will break down....so in fact, we actually see each other about once every month or two. And you know what? It's absolutely fine, nobody bitches or whines, we all understand and we just pick up where we left off.
There will be friends who think you're rude, unreliable or flaky - and I guess if they don't Get It, I can see their point. Sometimes somebody will text me and I'll reply in my head but forget to reply for real. I'll get an email just at the point where the baby is sticking her hand in the dog food or I'm running out to take Daisy to cheerleading, and I'll forget all about it. I'll make a date to see somebody, but en route to write it in my diary, the dog will puke all over the kitchen floor, and elbow deep in kitchen roll and antibacterial spray, the date will go unwritten in the diary and become totally forgotten.
Research has shown that after having a baby, your chances of being on time for plans reduce by 30%. For each subsequent child, knock another 20% off. That means that with 3 kids, I currently have a 30% chance of actually making it to a planned event on time (or at all).
After Tootie le Fourth arrives, my chances will be just 10%*
* These facts are actually not facts - I totally made them up to feel better about the fact that I'm an unreliable flake. I believe them to be true. Humour me.
It can be upsetting to feel like you're constantly lettting everyone down by being late or cancelling plans, and there are several ways to deal with this.
You could;
A) Get really distressed and decide that it's easier to just have no friends and never leave the house, like I did after my first child.
B) Get really distressed and develop a list making OCD, freaking out every half hour when things don't go exactly to plan, and end up on anxiety tablets, like I did after my second child.
C) Accept that this is life with kids and learn to go with the flow - the right people will understand and it won't be forever, like I'm doing now I've got three kids.
Just to give an example of how often things can go unexpectedly off piste, here's a rundown of the last week in my life....
SATURDAY, 10am: We decide at the last minute to take the kids to a local NCT sale. It starts at 11am, so we have an hour to get everyone ready and out the door. Easy, right?
After showering Amelie, she poops everywhere and needs another complete change. Both kids have showers and come downstairs wearing crumpled, grubby mismatched cothes they've found on the floor, so are sent to change. We both have showers. Amelie starts crying and needs milk, only we'e run out, so I nip to the shop to get some. Then Amelie falls asleep. Then we realise that the car seat is in my mum's car at her work, so Steve has to drive out and get it. By the time we make it out to the sale, it's 12.25pm and they're packing up to close. Oops.
SUNDAY: To make up for not getting to the sale, we decide to take the kids out to a local castle for Fathers' Day. Only we wake up to a vomiting Amelie. Never mind, we think, it'll be a one off.
An hour later, she vomits again. We won't be put off, we decide that fresh air and open spaces are the answer. We get ready and are heading out the door (on time), when Amelie spectacularly vomits everywhere - all over me, herself and even inside her changing bag.
That's it, plans cancelled, we eventually end up walking round the block about three hours later, just to get some air.
MONDAY: Steve and I plan a "date night" - nothing fancy, just an evening of no telly or phones, where we spend time together. 9pm is our curfew - let's get upstairs and just spend time with each other. At five to nine, Steve suddenly starts vomiting. At five past nine, I start vomiting.
By quarter past nine, we are both in bed together, writhing and moaning. Not in the good way. Mega sickness bug which keeps us both awake all night.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are all lost to the sickness bug, which blazes through our household like a forest fire - fast, sudden and relentless.
FRIDAY: We're all better, yay! I make plans to see a friend in the morning and have lunch with her, then get home and take the buggy out to meet another friend and walk to a playgroup.
At 10am, Amelie unexpectedly falls asleep so I text to say we'll be late. By 12noon, she's still soundo so I text my friend and tell her to have lunch without us. My other friend texts to cancel our playgroup plans as she now has a sickness bug. I decide not to go to playgroup and instead go to see the friend I didn't get to see in the morning.
See what I mean? Things almost never go according to plan, and I've learned that the easiest way to deal with it is just to go with the flow, skip to plan B, or C, or D, or E....
Having kids makes you a crap friend. Well, not a crap friend, but an unreliable one. It's never intentional, but like I say, most people will get it, and if they don't, well, tough. We try our best, but it's just a fact that when your kids are young, their needs will quite rightly come first, frustrating as that can be for everyone involved.
If I haven't replied to your text for 3 days, or I've forgotten your address, or I haven't RSVP'd to your party, or I'm running late, please understand that I don't mean it, I'm probably up to my elbows in baby poop.
Anyway, how are you? I haven't seen you in ages! We must meet up for coffee soon - let's make a date....
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