Tuesday 15 July 2014

Why I love being a stay at home mum


The Stay-at-home vs. Working mum debate has been raging forever, and I've been on all sides of it...
I've been a full time working mum, and a part time working mum. I've been a work at home mum and a single mum, working 7 days a week over 3 jobs in order to make ends meet and pay off debts. I've worked from home, and as I am now, I've been a full time, stay at home mum.
I've put my kids to nurseries, childminders and grandparents, and I've had my fair share of both crying at nursery drop off because I can't bear to leave them, and counting the hours until nursery drop off because they're driving me nuts.
I've done jobs I've loved, and jobs I've hated, and I've worked both because I've had to and because I've wanted to.

So please believe me when I say, this post is in NO WAY anti-working mum, or pro-stay at home mum. Whatever side of the fence you're on, I'm on it with you, and I get it.
This is simply my story of my experience, and how I've made my peace with being a stay at home mum, and learned to truly love it.

I just realised last week that it's two years since I gave up my job at Yo! Sushi to become "just a mum", and I can honestly say I've never looked back.

Two. Years. 

That's the longest I've ever gone without a paying job, and I absolutely love it. Now, don't get me wrong, it took some adjusting, but I've finally figured out how to truly enjoy being a full time parent without going nuts. I know plenty of people who have tried being at home all the time and hated it, and I can fully sympathise, because I've tried a few times and always went running back to work with my tail between my legs.
Here's what's changed...

1) I stopped worrying about financial inequality.

This was a huge bugbear for me in the past. Generally, we tend to place value on people based not on their achievements, but on how much money they earn. I might achieve a squillion things in a day, but I don't actually earn any money for it. 
The thing is, if you've both made a joint decision to live on one income, that's simply it - it's one income for you both. Not the income of the working parent, but the joint income for your household.
At first, I believed that since my husband earned all the money, since it was paid to him, in his name, that it was his money and if I needed anything, I'd have to ask him. That's a horrible feeling, and instantly puts you below your partner, when really, you should be equals.
Luckily, my husband never thought that way, and his wage is paid into a joint account that we both have equal access to. Even then, it took me a while to get my head around the fact that I had the freedom to use this money just as much as he did.
The thing is, of course I've earned it - I keep the house running, I look after the kids, I feed everyone and generally work my arse off. Okay, so one person's job pays a wage and the other person's doesn't, but that doesn't matter. We're a team, and our money is ours to share.
The simple fact is, we both get up at the crack of dawn and work our bums off all day long, and hey presto, at the end of each week, money appears in our joint account which we both use - to pay bills, buy food, get things for the kids, and if there's anything left, we can spend it as we like.
One income. One household. Simples.

2) I accepted that we're a team

At first, I believed that as the working parent, my husband's job was to go out to work and earn money, and as the stay at home parent, my job was to take care of the house and kids.
This can lead to a crapload of resentment as some working parents will come home from work, sit down and be pleased that their work is over for the day, while the stay at home parent is run ragged and left feeling unappreciated and overworked.
In my case, my husband used to come home from work, look around and immediately pick up the hoover or start unloading the dishwasher. That made me panic, because I thought it meant that he thought I wasn't doing my job well enough. It was my job to be hoovering and tidying, and he was having to come home and do it for me! I was failing at the one thing I was supposed to do.
I'd run around after him, close to tears, saying "But I did hoover today, honest I did!", and he would reply "I know, but now it needs done again, so I'm doing it".
It took me ages to get my head around the fact that it was perfectly okay to accept his help, it didn't mean that I was failing.
At the end of the day, parenting and housekeeping is a 24 hour job. You do things, and they get undone again almost immediately. Homes and kids don't run to office hours, so instead of there being a line down the middle, saying "I work, you take care of the house", it should be accepted that during working hours, it's your partner's job to earn the money and your job to be at home, but when you're both there, it's equal opportunities all the way.
Stay at home parents should not only accept help from their working partners outside working hours, they should expect it.

3) I embraced the 24 hour job

Like I said, kids and houses don't run to office hours, so I no longer expect to get everything done during office hours. I do virtually all of the night wakings, because I've let go of the guilt of catching up during the day if need be. My husband has no choice but to be awake all day, alert and making major decisions with a boss looking over his every move. I have a lot more freedom than that, and I'm grateful.
If I'm knackered during the day, I can sit down with a cup of tea, or snooze while the baby sleeps. Yes, I have to do school runs and if Amelie is wide awake, I have to look after her, but really, how much or how little I do is my choice. I've learned that the more important stuff like sorting meals or keeping up to date with laundry and dishes can be done at any time, so if Amelie is wide awake and playing at 5am, I can throw dinner into the slow cooker, switch on the washing machine or empty the dishwasher, and then I can sleep later in the day guilt free.

4) I got over myself

Yea, I went to university. Yes, I had a career. Yes, I used to run a hospital ward, and now I run my kids to school. I also used to be a hot size 8 who could party all night and still make it to a 12 hour shift at 7am. Things change.
Why do we feel the need to almost apologise for being a stay at home parent? Why do we say to people "I'm a full time mum, but I used to be a nurse/have a law degree/run a business"? We shouldn't have to say we're full time parents without feeling the need to follow it up with something more impressive.
I'm no less important just because I don't "work". I can still have opinions and beliefs, and I can still "use my brain". We shouldn't be shamed into hating our stay at home role by people who tell us that our brains will turn to mush and we will lose our identities. That's bollocks, I'm still me. I'm just a happier me. To hell with anyone who thinks that being at home isn't important or worthwhile. 
We need to let go of what we "used to" do, and be proud of what we do now.
This is my life, this is my reality, this is my present. I'm a mum, and I judge myself on how good I am at that, nothing else.

5) I stopped comparing our roles

I used to feel horribly guilty if my husband came home from a particularly stressful day and I'd actually spent the day at a coffee morning, followed by a bit of light housework and baking cookies with the kids. I felt like a fraud, like I was somehow taking advantage of my husband.
The thing  is though, our jobs are different, but neither one is any less important than the other. I still get stressed, but in different ways to my husband. He works hard, but in different ways to me.
Both jobs are essential, and shouldn't be compared.
I've heard stay at home mums complaining that their husbands get to sit in comfortable offices all day and concentrate on one job at a time, and I've heard working dads whine that their wives just sit around socialising all day long and doing fun things like baking cookies and going to soft play.
Both are untrue - we all have our share of hard work and stress, we just need to stop comparing.

6) I'm letting go of guilt and frustration

Okay, so this one is hard, and a work in progress. Being at home can be very frustrating, because so much of our work is invisible - that is, nobody really notices what you do until you don't do it!
It's constant - you tidy, it gets messed up again, you cook, it gets eaten, you play with kids and five minutes later they're bored again.
It's annoying when you've spent all day tidying and cleaning, and in the hour between the kids coming home from school and your husband coming home, it's all undone again, which is why I used to get so upset when he'd come in and start tidying - I felt like I had to constantly justify the fact that I HAD done it that day, it had just been undone again!
I'm learning to let go of this feeling, and just go with the flow.
I do try my best to run around tidying in the moments before my husband comes home - not because I feel like I have to, just because I want us to have more time together in the evenings. Nobody wants to still be hoovering and plumping cushions at 9pm, but if things are undone when my husband comes home, I just welcome the extra pair of hands now, rather than feeling guilty.

7) I found my people

Being at home can be lonely, and a huge reason why some people hate it. If it's literally just you and the kids all day long, you do crave adult conversation.
I've been lucky this time in that I've met a group of lovely mums and we all share similar views. Nothing worse than being around parents who make you feel inadequate. Playgroups, community groups and even online groups are a great way to not only get out of the house, but also to find people you have something in common with, and have a proper grown up conversation!

8) I got out of my sweatpants

It can be so easy to fall into the trap of becoming the frumpy housewife in the baggy, stained clothes because there's no point in being anything else. After all, who's looking at you?
That's one area I do make an effort in. I read somewhere once that one of the best ways to start feeling like your job of homemaker is important is to actually start treating it like a job.
I get up and I make a to-do list, like I would if I was in a workplace. I prioritise. I shower and put on a bit of mascara and treat myself like a real person. It really makes a difference to how I feel and behave through the day.
Even if I have no intention of leaving the house beyond doing the school run, I still give myself the respect of looking halfway human - not because I feel like people will judge me if I don't, but because it makes ME feel better. 

So there you go...it's not for everyone, and if you hate being a stay at home parent, I hear you.
For me, though, this is the best job in the world.

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